Bats In My Belfry

Been a busy month. Nothing spectacular but a lot of small stuff that needs to be taken care of and has been. Himself is chugging away on sites (of course being August no one is actually paying but hey…) and I’ve been trying to put a dent in the “stuff” that has somehow overwhelmed this small home. Still it’s satisfying to get even a little done although at times doesn’t seem like there’s a “bottom” to it all.

Back to cool and rainy after a bit of hot and sunny (always humid). Was raining so hard this morning I ended up taking an umbrella, something I don’t remember doing in..uhm…well…a long time. Poor HRH was not amused by the downpour but cooperated long enough to be “emptied” appropriately before charging back home to get toweled off and have a nice breakfast (he got beef broth on his food this a.m.).

Knitting is coming along (although I am STILL waiting on an order from the U.K. that was placed on the 15th..gnah). Got a bunch of booties done and have found 2 patterns that I think will work for “mass production”. Am just about done with a mistake rib scarf for Himself that I think is looking very nice. Thick and squoooooshy! Made some garter stitch fingerless gloves for myself (I hate gloves) that ought to serve when the weather gets cold (if ever…bah!). And will probably make a couple hats to hang by the door. Neither of us are fond of wearing hats but then neither of us have had to be out in the dark in mid-winter much either, on foot, with a dog who loves cool/cold and isn’t any hurry to get home again.

My favourite season is upcoming (Autumn) and it is the best season here, I think. Spring is lovely too but I love Autumn…the smells, the twilight, the sunsets, the crisp air. Very much looking forward to it. Bit bummed that the boots I got just a month ago that were meant to be waterproof aren’t (Himself’s weren’t either) so we’re in the process of replacing those so that when the rains and snows come we won’t be soaked every time we venture forth. Much as I love my Birks, they just weren’t working out for these daily treks in the fields especially knowing there are SnakeZillas out there. I do hope this year we won’t have an entire month of fog (as we did in 2003, seriously, one solid month of fog, thought I was going to go bonkers). November is known to be foggy ’round here, something to do with temperature differentiation between land, air and lake…or so I’m told.

Still haven’t managed to get photos of work done, mainly because finding a horizontal surface that isn’t crammed with other stuff has been a trick. Okay, impossible (hence the working on fixing that). I want to get some photos of the farms at the end of the road here too. Would like to have a series of each season out there. It is rather pretty.

Well, I’ve slept on it and I’m still…irritated. The Flea Market that I have been working so hard to get stuff ready for? It’s come and gone. I’d asked Himself to find out when it was several times so I’d be sure to not miss it this year (we went through this last year and missed it then as well) and, well, he spaced it off.

Found this out last night when his mom stopped by. I was really pissed. For over a year (considering I had intended to try to sell stuff at last year’s market) I’ve been working away at things to sell so that I could try to launch a little business. Not so much the money (although that never goes amiss) but the desire to do something constructive, to contribute, to  try to launch a little business that would give me a sense of pride of work.

I was happy that I didn’t completely kill him when his mom was here. Actually I didn’t say much at all because I was afraid I would start ranting at him. Unfortunately this ties in with something else I’ve been struggling with for awhile and not in a good way. But I decided to hold on, to think about it before just letting out the emotions so that I could, hopefully, turn the situation into something positive. Not quite sure how to handle this because I am disappointed and angry.

I guess I’ll wait a bit longer ’til I am positive I won’t just start caterwauling and try to convey to him how important this was, the reasons and why his tendency to procrastinate sometimes has a bigger effect than I think he understands. I have long been troubled by what I perceive to be a matter of his putting things off unless it’s important to him. Well, we all do that to a certain extent, indeed. I think my biggest problem with it is that given the circumstances there are many time (grrr) when I cannot simply take care of something myself. That was a huge change that really caused problems for me. I came from a life where I could just go deal with stuff to a life where I had to, too often, depend upon someone else either to do it or to help me do it. Given my stiff-necked pride this has been very difficult for me. It was like going from being an adult back to being about 5 years old. I’ve gotten better accepting that this is the way it will be but I sure don’t like it.

So this whole Flohmarkt thing was something I was very much looking forward to as something I could do…myself, to regain a little bit of feeling like I was doing something, contributing and not just being…here.

Of course, I’m not blameless here, I know that. I could have pushed harder (not likely to help as history has shown, he gets more stubborn when pushed…I can relate) or I could’ve emailed his mom (next time, I will). I didn’t realise it was as imminent as it was or I would have. Won’t happen again next year. I’ve already decided that I’ll pack up all the stuff I had for this year and take it over to his mom’s so that next year when the time comes, it’s there.

Lessons learned, so not a complete wash but I think it’ll be a day or so yet before I can sit down with him and explain just why this was so important and also work past being upset that I even have to explain. I think that’s what is bothering me more, really. There’s a disconnect here and whilst at one level I do understand, at another I’m very hurt that Himself hasn’t been awfully supportive of the struggle I’ve been mucking through. Honestly, I think it scares him because he doesn’t know what to do or can’t “fix it”. I can understand that as well. I recall when it became obvious that I had a problem and needed help, trying to get him to read a couple passages from a Claire Weekes book so that he could get a sense of what was going on, and how to deal. He refused and if memory served said: “I don’t need to read a book.”. So I tried to explain and I don’t think it made much sense to him, probably because I didn’t explain it all too well.

The capper was, to me, when we got HRH. THEN he had plenty of time to research, haunt forums, do a lot of reading etc. into how to deal with a doggie. I resented that, still do. Setting aside hurt feelings, I can’t help but think it would be easier for HIM if he would educate himself just a little bit about what I’m dealing with. He might not be as confused about how my behaviour can be variable and why it is and that this is not something that can be eliminated without a lot of hard work on my part especially since therapy is apparently not possible here. I have to do it on my own which is scary and has been difficult, especially without support. I just think, sometimes, he doesn’t realise that this is not something I wanted to happen either. Indeed, I fought against the issues that led to it although I realise I was the one who went down the path to the spiraling negativity.

And so, today is a new day. A day to learn how to deal with the disappointment and anger about this. A day to realise that, for better or worse, this is how Himself operates and it clashes with how I do. A day to figure out how to not let that get twisted up in my thinking to make matters worse. A day to pack up the boxes of stuff for next year and know that I shan’t miss it then because now I know when it will be (2nd weeked of August). A day to not go to the store to get a lot of fava beans and a nice Chianti to serve with his liver which I’d dearly love to rip out.
I think I’ll start with a walk. Some fresh air, exercise always helps.

And then…finish up this last bit of Noro, knock out some more booties and, if my mind isn’t completely fixated on fava bean and livers, cast on for the socks.

Okay, here’s the thing. I am not a fan of snakes. No sir. Unfortunately all my encounters with snakes have been startling and negative.

First one was in South Carolina back in the mid-70s when I wore wooden clogs. I went out to the road to get the mail and stepped right on an unfortunate snake (not sure what type it was) and severed the thing in half with the edge of a clog. Both halves of the poor thing flipped up and smacked me on either side of the leg. I about died on the spot. Sadly, the snake did.

Shortly thereafter, we were boating, also in SC, on a speed boat. I guess the river we were on was too shallow for the motor’s draft and we ended up having to get out and push the boat because the motor got tangled with vegetation. Well, at first this was no worry to me. It was a hot day and walking through the water felt good ’til I saw a LOT of snakes along the banks and hanging from the trees. Apparently they were cottonmouths. I levitated into that boat and nothing anyone could say would get me out of it.

Fast forward to 1980 on my honeymoon in the Rockies. We were camping and I had gone down to the stream to rinse out a pan when I encountered a rather largish and grouchy rattler. (See how the sneaky thing blends into its surroundings?)Back then my hearing was far better than it is now but still not so good. I didn’t hear the snake warning me. I was nearly on top of it when I finally saw it. My husband told me I broke land-speed records flying back the way I’d come.

Ever since then I’ve been leery of snakes mainly because I don’t want to hurt the things. I’m a BIG believer in “live and let live”. Well, with my whole “rabid monkey” thing, it turned into a phobia. I know it’s not rational and that there is a very low likelihood of encountering snakes in day-to-day life but there you have it.

Fast forward to…now. When we got HRH and began the treks around the fields of Southern Germany, I asked Himself whether there were any snakes around, dangerous ones (venomous) in particular. I was told “no”.

Hurrah! I can handle wee garter snakes and such. They startle me but don’t cause me to freak out. So I figure I’m good to go.

Meh. Himself informs me last night after his walk with HRH that they encountered a “snake that isn’t a snake”. Okay, so, I’m used to German obfuscatory language and knew I was in for a session of “let’s try to figure out what they really mean as opposed to what they are saying”.

The result? This:

Okay, folks. This is a snake. With legs. I don’t care that it’s considered a “lizard”. That is a snake with legs. So. I am regaled with the story of how HRH saw this critter and, in his usual manner, declared it to be his and set off to accomplish posession of said critter. Critter apparently said: “Gotta go, bye!” and took off.

So now I know there are snakes with legs in the creek. Was told they eat slugs and insects. Well, fine…there is no shortage of slugs around here. He also told me they are “nearly extinct” at which point I made a rather uncharitable and PETA-offending comment.

So as the conversation continues, I am informed that there are these:

Which are apparently vipers, thus venomous.

Oh frabjous joy.

At this point the rabid monkeys are havin’ a field day imagining all sorts of reptilian encounters on our daily walks. Visions of me streaking down the path or of HRH with a “trophy” firmly clenched in his jaws, grinning at me as if to say “MINE” followed by me dragging said dog home, hopefully without having a heart attack (me, not the dog) and having Himself remove said reptile from dog’s mouth.

I would not feel badly about that last bit as I am the one who has to deal with any and all spiders found around here (he’s squash ‘em if he was willing to get close enough. I put ‘em outside.) We even have a spider out front who is rather largish that we’ve named “Shelob” from the LOTR series. It’s not really all that big but to someone who doesn’t like spiders I can see the problem.

Snakes. With Legs. This puts the “must get a stout walking stick” MUCH higher on the ToDo list.

Weather is beautiful though…perfect for walking. Cool (65°f), sunny and dry. This morning’s walk (with one eye peeled for the sneaky snake with legs) was lovely. Quiet, and…no tourists! It would be grand if the weather were to stay like this for a bit but 2 days running is about all one can ask for. I imagine it’ll rain by evening.

Am finding bits of leftover Noro here and there and am chugging out more little cases for the Flohmarkt. Have enough for one more eyeglass case and a couple of small coin purses, I think.

The socks? Well, I got one skein wound. Once I get these Noro bits knitted up, I’ll do a pair of booties from the rather well known “Christine’s Booties” pattern. I love the looks of ‘em and I just happen to have a new nephew, Robin, who was “born recently” (curse husbands who cannot be arsed to get pertinent information like oh..when…and how big) who must need some booties to go along with a wee hat and car seat blanket. Himself is to be Robin’s godfather so a bit of extra fuss needs to take place.

Got my CBT book  yesterday from Amazon (Thank goodness for them!) along with Knitter’s Handbook and Finishing Techniques for Hand Knitters both of which I think will be very helpful (I am abysmal at finishing, oh yes indeed). Hopefully I can learn to piece things together so they don’t like like a snake (with legs) did ‘em.
Carpe diem!

I think that over the past year (since this whole anxiety thing reached a peak), knitting (and crocheting but mostly knitting) has contributed greatly to my journey toward understanding and getting better.

I remember many a night in the summer of ‘06 when I had no idea what was going on with me, coming up here and grabbing my knitting (which, back then, was very, very wobbly, heh). It helped take me out of the “now” where I was usually suffering the worst of panic attack symptoms and gave me something to focus on until the worst of it passed and I could go back to sleep. Most of my attacks came in the middle of the night, waking from sleep in full panic mode.

Once I finally twigged to what was happening I found that combating the loneliness and feeling of being helpless was somewhat alleviated by having a goal (or goals). Aside from slaying the “rabid monkies” (my way of referring to the really annoying circuitous negative thinking I’d managed to train myself to to) for a time, it helped me focus on continuing on, learning, creating something tangible and useful (I have lots of trouble with feeling useless here being as dependent as I am on others…meh).

So I knit. I crochet. I think. I read and I am getting a lot better. Not being able to change the initial issues (much) that I used to get myself into this, I have to adjust to them. I’m not so good at adjusting. It’s a learning process. In the past, I rarely adjusted, I did. I fixed, I was able to affect change and rarely were things left “stuck”. That was, I think, what did me in here. I wanted so badly to just leave, get away from the whole mess but I couldn’t. I had made committments and, indeed, a part of me did not want to leave. So I had to stay and deal. That last part was not something I, then, had the tools for. I’ve since been gathering tools and learning. It’s a process and some days are better than others but when I look back at where I was a year ago? It’s good. Definite progress.

And throughout it all? Knitting.  When I could not think straight…out would come a scarf (or when really bad…a dishcloth). When my mind was not racing in circles? I’d work on learning something new.

While I have LOTS of dishclothes (heh) and only a couple of baby sweaters…I am so glad that I had the sense to keep going with knitting. It has been a balm, a source of hope, a reason to get up some mornings, a sense of accomplishment, of pride and a lesson…don’t stop, keep going and something will come of it.

Even if it is just another dishcloth.

August in Germany is a frustrating month, at least if one isn’t on holiday. Living in a tourism area (why do I always end up in tourist areas?) can be crazy during high traffic times (here…August, although we do have tourists from May through September). We live off a side-street (see map to the right) that itself branches off one of the main routes along the lake (although not very close to the lake, about 10km from it). Of course, road improvement/repair is done during the “good weather” and this year it was decided to re-do (completely it seems) a bridge along this main route resulting in confusing (to non-locals) detours.

We walk HRH south on Heggelinstraße to the fields which start about 2 blocks from our driveway. Normally this is a quiet area with only other dog walkers and occasional pram strollers and one very determined little old lady who schleps her walker along at a rather good clip-she put me to shame when I first started walking HRH. Cyclists passing through, usually early in the a.m. on their way to work in FN. That’s about it. Well, as of 1 August, this all changed. You’d think Heggelinstraße was a major artery which is bad given that it’s a 1.5 lane road. Have seen lost folk from NL, DE, FR and PL and been asked for directions, literally, numerous times a day. Not good since I can’t hear ‘em. I have perfected my “Es tut mir leid, ich bin taub.” spiel. They are in cars, on bicycles and they are all lost. They want to know how to get to FN or Uberlingen or Singen, none of which (well, FN indirectly via Kluftern) are found along Heggelinstraße.

Makes for a bustling road which wasn’t meant for much traffic aside from farm access to begin with. I’ve taken to going directly into the fields as soon as possible not only to avoid my rote speech but some of these folks seem to think that Heggelinstraße is the A-Bahn.
Weather continues to be fickle; broil you one day, chilly the next. I almost feel sorry for the tourists. Almost. Right now in a cool cycle, was in the upper 40s (f) last night and it’s grand for sleeping and lovely for that first walk in the a.m. Brisk. Can hardly wait for Autumn.

Finally got my sock yarn and, more importantly, my sock-sized DPNs. Now I have no more excuses. (gulp) But first (okay, maybe a couple excuses) finishing up all the Noro I have laying about (single skeins, not sure what I was thinking) making felted eye-glass cases, hopefully in time for Christa to sell ‘em at a Flohmarkt this month. First try felted, mostly. Damn washers here make it too difficult to felt that way, so the others I will do the old-fashioned way by boiling the bejabbers out of ‘em on the stove. Think I’ll end up with 5 or six of ‘em all told with what I have to hand. I like ‘em, they are interesting.

Also been working on finding a good, simple (read as mindless so I can do whilst reading) baby bootie pattern so that I can see bootie/hat sets. Not decided on one yet, have a couple patterns yet to test.

Anxiety has been an issue this week…nothing very bad, just…there. I am very much looking forward to getting the CBT workbook I ordered so I can get to work on the thinking aspect here. I’m pretty confident that I have the overt panic attack stuff under control. Indeed, one night this week I woke in startle-mode and was able to very quickly go back to sleep even after the attack reaching the point of wanting to get up and MOVE. That was pleasing. That was progress.
I ran across this and it really resonated:

We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. - Carlos Casteneda

Indeed.

…goes the weather. Again. About roasted yesterday. Was nearly 90°f and very humid. 2nd walk with HRH was a study in determination for both of us. Had to post an invoice for SK and since HRH hadn’t been walked in awhile, needed to go via “grassland” so that he could do his thing. That meant the long-not-shady way ’round. He finally did his thing and we proceeded to head over to the byway along the main road and then back onto the sidewalks toward the post-box. Ouch. Hot. Very hot. Forgot how much hotter it can be on concrete. We both wilted. Got the invoice posted and got back here and just…dripped. Kept telling myself (and HRH) that fall would be here soon, really. Has to be.

And then the cooler air came through last evening. Cooler but still really, really humid. Looks, though, like rain for next 4 days or so and I am glad of that. Pity for the tourists but I hate the heat. Hopefully we can get things cooled off in the house again.

Still pondering socks and booties. Made a pair of booties that I’m just not enamoured of. They’re … okay. Kind of blah though. Not quite sure what’s off about them. Technically they’re fine but they’re just…boring. Could be the yarn. I might try the same pattern in a soft, fuzzy white yarn that I have around here somewhere (kind of like a chenille but a bit fuzzier).

Waiting for my shipment from Junghans Wolle for the bamboo DPNs for the next sock project. Tried it on equivalent sized aluminum DPNs and about went mad. Stitches sliding, felt like I had no control at all…which is true, I didn’t. So set that aside to dither with booties and keep on keepin’ on with the afghan for the soon-to-arrive Robin. About half done with that.

Must find camera. Must find clear horizontal surface on which to take pictures as well.

Since I wussed out on making s’ghetti for SK last night  (had intended to but it got so damn hot I wussed) I decided to get that going this a.m. before it got hot again (why no, I do not trust German weather forecasters). So divided the ground beef and made myself some “hamburger gravy”, something I’ve not had in, uhm, decades. Turned out pretty well and was a change from German food. Sometimes I get so tired of pork, pork, noodles, pork, bread, noodles and pork.

Floor in my room is about done, windows up next and re-”hang” the curtains.

And for the rest of today? More work on Robin’s afghan and when that makes me cross-eyed another dishcloth for the upcoming fleamarket.

Best get to it.

Last few days had been rough but after awakening at 0300 and deciding to stay awake so I could take HRH for a lovely dawn walk and then going back to sleep once we were back, feeling tons better. Odd that I have come to truly enjoy that walk at sunrise. So peaceful, quiet, air is so fresh and some mornings, the mountains peep out and it’s just glorious. Sets my head in a good place for the rest of the day.

Yesterday was one of those “one foot in front of the other, omg, where’s my foot?” days. Had a hard time doing both walks for the chest tightness and throat closing thing. Was exhausted and it was a real feat of stubborn that got me through it. So hard to believe with days like the past several that this is just a figment of my mind. Seems so real.

Right then. Sock. Okay, sock is proceeding albeit slowly. Working with these DPNs makes my right hand a bit sore. I expect once I get past the “wrasslin’ with a porcupine” thing that’ll ease off. It remains recognisable as a sock but only just. Everytime I stop and look at it, I get to giggling. Then I pat myself on the back and remind myself that big things come of small steps (snort…geddit…steps). This sock will remain an orphan since I don’t have any more of the cotton yarn I am using. Indeed I will run out of it before I get this one done but I have a bit more in another colour (we’re doing rust mainly and bright, feckin’ yellow will be for the grand finish). Must find the camera as this needs to be recorded for posterity and hilarity.

Next up a tube sock and we’ll see how that turns out and then, oh boy, magic loop socks. I can’t get my head quite wrapped around the whole magic loop thing but I’m going to approach it as I did this sock, one bit of the instructions at a time and see where I end up. Pity that I’m so dunderheaded when it comes to reading instructions and then doing it. So much easier to see it done and then go from there. Not the first time I’ve bemoaned not having a mentor or teacher around here.

Weather is still nice and cool but that looks to be ending for a week or so. Good for the tourists and tourism industry. Been a funky summer that was…very hot, then rather chilly. I don’t mind, at all, the “rather chilly” as I hate hot, humid days. Still it’s August and that means another 5 weeks or so at most of potentially yuck weather. Looks like a week’s worth heading our way starting tomorrow.
Chugging along on an afghan for the soon-expected Robin (boy number 4 for my SIL). I have done 2 before this but don’t like either one. Too small, I think. Given we’re on a bit of a tight budget I can’t order more yarn so I’m trying to get one I like before Robin arrives (in the next couple weeks so I’m told). The other two? They will be put in the “Bankies for Critters” box. My “mindless” project for this winter is to make mass quantities of varying sized bankies for the critters at the FN Tierheim (animal shelter). There are LOTS of ‘em…dogs, cats, birds, bunnies, goats, piggies, horses, sheep, deer and raccoons. I like the idea of doing this because they will keep a critter forever if that’s what it takes. That needs to be supported. When we get a bit more cash, I’d like to make some donations too. Don’t dare volunteer there though or we’ll have all the critters here.
Ah well, back to sock, want to get this one done so I can do the “what I learned” and “what I can do better next” time done and then give it another go with a tube sock. I would really like to be able to knit socks for myself. Not sure the family will want any but I do. With all the walking I’m doing wearing real boots (meh, I hate shoes) socks have become essential and I am not finding many around here that I like.